Sunday, December 20, 2009

It's been a while

Sorry I haven't posted in so long. This is why I always went back and forth on whether I should start a blog or not, it is such a commitment! I haven't started my IVF cycle yet but I am just about ready. All the probes have been built after much stress, I've had my phone consult with the PGD lab, my husband and I went to the IVF medication class, spoke with the psychologist, paid for the IVF and we have all the medication sitting on our kitchen table. On December 28th I go in for some bloodwork to see if I am ready to start cycling. I am nervous, excited, hopeful, scared and a whole bunch of other emotions rolled into one.

I will be taking Lupron, Menopur and Bravelle. Then of course there is the trigger injection and PIO injections. I am not looking foward to these injections at all but if I want any hope at having a baby this is what I need to do.

I already feel so defeated and broken down emotionally that I have no clue what will become of me if this fails. I go to work everyday but that is about it. I'll go out to eat with my husband but I no longer socialize with friends. I know it's not healthy but I'm such a downer right now I don't want to bring others down and of course there is always the fact that someone could have good news that I don't want to hear. I don't want to hear any type of good news....job promotion, engagments, pregnancy anything that reminds me that right now my life sucks. I barely talk to my husband anymore, every conversation leads to a fight. IF brings some couples closer and it rips others apart. We are being ripped apart. I wonder if we should be doing this at all if we are so unhappy. Will a child make us a whole again?


  1. I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I understand not wanting to hear good news at the moment. But don't shut down on your husband, you need each other. He needs you as much as you nedd him to go through all of this.

    Good Icomleavwe *hug*

  2. pandabox33 is right -- use this time to enjoy your time together with your hubby. If the baby comes, great. If not, you'll still have an amazing marriage. It would be tragic to have neither. :(

    Another Icomleavewe hug coming your way!

    --Linda (

  3. I completely agree with pandabox33, you and your husband are one another's support system and I promise this would be so much better if you could support one another. He really does need you!!! Hang in there kiddo, and good luck with your IVF venture.
    ...And another IComLeavWe Hug!

  4. {{{Hugs}}} Infertility sucks but, please, please make an effort to continue communicating with and supporting your husband. It's the only way to survive this all.

    Wishing you the very best of luck in your journey.

  5. Just take IVF one step at a time and you'll get through it, it's a lot to take in but try to be there for each other, it helps when you don't feel alone.

    (((HUGS))) and GL


  6. DH and I went through the same thing. In a way we still are going through it. I often wonder what is wrong with me? Why can't I get pregnant (I have never had a BFP, ever)! Maybe he should leave me and find someone younger that can give him babies!!

    I know it's hard but it may be good to take some time off from TTC and just not focus on it. Just for a little while. Please understand that I am NOT saying "relax, and it will just happen". That is such a stupid thing to say!

    We took a year off from TTC just to focus on ourselves for a bit. Now we are ready to pursue IVF (after 4 failed IUIs). Just my 2 cents.


  7. smart women up there, your marriage is the base for everything else hun, that needs to be as solid as it can be, he will be the rock of support that you need.

    i hope things get better for you,
    ICLW hugs!

  8. Sooo been there with the husband. Things got so bad he wanted a divorce. I'm not even sure sometimes how we made it. Oh yea, I went to a therapist and later we both did. It really helped us, if you are open to that. Take care of yourself, you need it.

    Anyway, try to remember that having a child should bring you closer together and not drive you apart.

  9. IF can take such a toll on your marriage. I hope and pray things will look up for you in the new year.

  10. Don't shut down on your husband. The two of you are in this together. We all understand the toll that IF can bring upon a marriage, to one degree or another. I know some of it has made us stronger. But, what we are going through right now is so difficult. My only advice is keep the lines of communication open. And, don't have the baby for your marriage. Like a PP said, your marriage is the rock and the center of your family.

    ICLW hugs your way!

  11. I'm sorry you are having a rough time of it. IF is so consuming. And IVF is brutal. I understand not wanting to be around friends. I sort of feel like I've got this big wall that divides me from them right now. Until you have walked in our shoes you really can't understand how deep this cuts. You and your husband need each other more than ever right now. Maybe seeing a couselor who specializes in IF might help. I haven't dealt with MFI, but I suspect it's tough on the male ego, probably more than a woman's, so maybe he's struggling with that? Take care and don't be too hard on yourself.


  12. Honey don't think it will fail.

    God has the Plan... just wait.

    I wish you only love, blessings and the best of the best in the new year.

    Please look at me, the 48 year old barren (totally barren in every way) woman, cancer survivor, who has 21 month old fraternal twin sons...

    as a role model and with the knowledge that dreams come true!